The keys to great sex: KEY 1 - Long term, stable relationships

There are so many things that can affect relationships, which then affect couples’ sex lives and intimacy.

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to explore some of the keys to great sex, and how you can start to implement them in your relationship.

As a relationship counsellor and clinical sexologist, I help my patients to identify what affects their relationships the most. This could include:  

• their physical environment – safety issues, comfort issues
• their psychological health – depression, anxiety
• their relationship health – trust, intimacy,
• their physical health – blood pressure, medication, obesity, fitness

As you can see, sex is not actually as simple as it seems.

“Great” sex is a holistic experience. It happens in the brain as much as in the body and involves a complex interaction of emotional, relational, social and physiological factors.

The way individuals experience sex is influenced by a variety of things including culture, religion, emotions, self-esteem, sexual identity and the state of their relationship. All of these things must be in alignment for “great” sex to happen.

Photo by Eric Froehling on Unsplash

Over the next few weeks, we’ll explore a few integral steps to “great” sex:

Step 1: Long term, stable relationships

Understanding each other, the way your partner thinks and why they react in certain ways will help you understand your relationship better.

Here’s a typical relationship timeline:

• You meet and fall passionately in love. Everything is wonderful!
• You date, and spend as much of your spare time together as possible. Your partner’s idiosyncrasies are “adorable.” You love their ‘unusual’ laugh, and the cute honking sound when they blow their nose.
• You celebrate special occasions together, and organise romantic dates. You spoil each other with gifts and tokens of love, and you whisper “sweet nothings” in each other’s ears.
• Eventually you move to the next level, you buy a house together, move in together or even get married. You start living together “as one.” Everything is new and exciting, and you love each other more now than you ever did before. Even the occasional arguments are followed by incredible “make-up” sex.
• Slowly, the “honeymoon” feeling starts to wear off. You’ve grown tired of picking up smelly socks off the floor, and you’ve run out of low-budget and exciting ideas to cook for dinner.
• Life seems to be on “fast forward” mode. You both just get busier and busier, and in the few hours you do spend together, you get annoyed and irritable or even bored. Your partner’s idiosyncrasies are no longer “adorable.”
• The next step could be KIDS. If you thought life was busy before, you were wrong. You don’t even have time left to breathe, never mind spend time with your partner.
• Now you’re at the stage wondering, where did “we” go? You might feel like you’ve lost your identity as a couple. Instead of just the two of you, you’re now an entire family, and your thoughts are always focussed on the kids, work and all the things that need to get done at home.

Well, the good news is that this is NORMAL!

The even better news is that, with a little bit of effort and understanding from both of you, you CAN get that “honeymoon” feeling back.

How did you get to where you are now?

Before you can go back to the “honeymoon” feeling, you first have to understand how you got where you are now.

I have observed that the better you get to know someone, the more you “let yourself go” around them. You don’t mind if your best friend comes over and you’re in your pyjama’s and a face mask – because you know that she loves you just the way you are. You can chat about anything with your best friend – from the tastiest recipe for butternut soup to the quickest cure for your vaginal thrush.

You don’t have to be on your best behaviour around the people that love you because they love you for who you are. This is the same for your partner. The better you get to know each other, the more you “let yourself go.”

I’m not saying this is a bad thing – it is great to be really comfortable in each other’s space, but it also means that an un-spoken norm starts to filter in which says “We don’t need to put in effort any more.”

And this may eventually be seen (consciously or unconsciously) as “You’re not worth the effort anymore.” That is where the danger lies…

When a couple stops making time to see each other, or to have “romantic dates” or just to sit and chat together, that is where the relationship starts to fall apart.

Another side of it is that because you’re not on your “best behaviour” anymore, you don’t hide the fact that you’re having a bad day, or are in an irritable mood. You snap at your partner, you shout at them, and you may even say hurtful things to them – because they love you, and won’t leave you.

The more you get to know your partner, the more they may irritate you, and the less forgiving you are towards them. Eventually a wall builds up between you and you become like two strangers living in the same house.

This is an extreme example, but it illustrates what could happen if a couple lacks good communication, understanding and dedication in their relationship.

How do you start to fix it?

• One of the keys to good relationships is making sure that you value and respect your partner every day.
• Schedule date nights, make an effort to greet them when they come home from work.
• Diarise things that matter to them so you can encourage and support them.
• Ask your partner how they are feeling, and really listen to their answer.
• Make time for little adventures. Even if it’s going out for ice-cream at 10:30pm just because you can.
• Kiss – not just during sex.
• Try to remember what you did when you were dating, and do some of those things again.
• Consciously do one thing every day to show your partner how much you care for them.  

Check my blog next week for another step to great sex in your relationship…