It’s not just about sex: Why do people have affairs?

There are so many reasons that relationships break down, and each couple needs to work through their own healing process.

But one common misconception is that physical affairs are all about sex. And the betrayed person often blames themself for the affair, thinking “if only we’d had more sex, they wouldn’t have found it somewhere else…”

And if they choose to stay in the relationship, they try to repair the relationship with physical intimacy instead of working on the emotional and mental side as well. Often when couples come to me for counselling after an affair, they will tell me that they are having the best sex ever…

But trying to repair the relationship with sex instead of dealing with the trauma is only going to cause more trauma. Couples need to focus on healing on an emotional level first.

Affairs happen over time. Sometimes relationships suffer from years of neglect, and that’s when people can go out and try to fulfil their needs (emotional or physical) with someone else.

Sometimes both people in the relationship need to look at what led to the situation, and how they contributed towards it. This doesn’t mean that the partner who had the affair is ‘off the hook’. They still chose to have an intimate relationship with someone else. They still chose to betray their partner.

Health risks

When it comes to a physical affair, there are some health risks that people often don’t think about. By betraying your partner, you’re also putting them at risk of contracting an STI. The first thing that I tell couples to do is to have a full screening at their doctor for any sexually transmitted infections or diseases.

While most people only think about HIV as a risk, there are other health concerns like the HPV virus which can lead to cervical cancer, or hepatitis B which can cause liver disease.

Recurring affairs

If a partner in a relationship continues to have multiple affairs, putting their partner’s physical and emotional health at risk, they could be dealing with sex addiction. I would urge anyone who thinks they might be a sex addict or be in a relationship with a sex addict to seek professional help. You can find more information about sex addiction on my website.

If you are dealing with an affair, please watch these two YouTube clips together so that you can understand each other’s emotions and begin the journey of healing.

You can also book an appointment with me here.

Infidelity Trauma: Interview with a Specialist Part 1

Infidelity Trauma: Interview with a Specialist Part 2