4 Things every couple should know to build a strong relationship

Image by Mabel Amber, who will one day from Pixabay

Relationships are complicated! They're always changing, and every couple's journey is unique.

It's completely normal for the initial excitement and butterflies to fade over time, but this doesn’t mean love or physical attraction has disappeared. And it also doesn’t mean that you can’t ‘relight’ that flame.

As a relationship therapist and clinical sexologist, I help couples understand the natural stages of a relationship.

Here are four key things I believe every couple should know to build a stronger relationship.

1. Long-term relationships take work

After the honeymoon phase, you move into a different phase of love. You become life teammates, working through so many ups and downs together. Sometimes, couples worry that marriage or commitment has taken the spark out of their sex life. But the truth is that maintaining passion takes effort from both partners, especially when you’re balancing responsibilities like kids, careers and finances.

Here are some tips for keeping the spark alive:

• Schedule time for each other, even if it’s just a simple date night every week or so
• Acknowledge each other’s needs and find ways to reconnect
• Small gestures can make a big difference. Don’t forget to send each other WhatsApps, or small love gifts like chocolates. Make sure your partner knows you’re thinking about them
• If you’re in a long term relationship and you are thinking about marriage, consider premarital counselling. It can help you clarify your expectations and improve communication in the years ahead

2. Libidos don’t always match

One of the most common issues couples face is mismatched libidos. It's important to remember that every individual’s sex drive is unique, and there are so many things that can impact your libido.

Many factors can affect a woman’s sex drive, including how emotionally connected she feels, her hormone levels, and life stressors. Men’s libidos are often influenced by physical health, stress levels, and lifestyle.

When couples have significantly different sex drives, it can lead to frustration, rejection, or insecurity. If you want to learn more, read about Desire Discrepancy and the Pursuer/Distancer cycle on my website.

When you and your partner are dealing with mismatched libidos, professional support can be incredibly helpful.

Here are a few tips for handling mismatched libidos:

• Schedule open and honest conversations about intimacy
• Choose a time when you both feel calm and connected
• Remember that libido can change over time
• Taking care of each other emotionally and physically can help
• If the gap in libido is causing problems in your relationship, consider working with a therapist

3. Don’t compare your relationship to others

There’s no “normal” when it comes to how often couples should be having sex, so don’t compare yourself to what Google thinks is ‘normal’.

Every relationship is unique. And every relationship has its ups and downs. Depending on what you are dealing with in life, you might have sex once a week or once a month or once a year… it doesn’t matter how often, as long as both of you are on the same page.

Here are some tips for embracing your unique relationship:

• Reassure each other that your relationship is defined by what feels right for both of you
• You don’t need to measure up to anyone else’s standards
• Communicate with your partner if you aren’t feeling satisfied
• If you’re struggling with libido or intimacy, don’t hesitate to seek support

4. Affection doesn’t always have to lead to sex

It's important to distinguish between sexual and non-sexual touch in relationships.

When I counsel couples who are experiencing difficulties with intimacy, I always ask them if they ever hug, kiss or cuddle… the answer is inevitably ‘no’.

Why? Because there’s often an expectation that any intimate physical contact will lead to sex.

It’s so important for couples to learn the difference between sexual and non-sexual touch. Hugging or holding each other is non-sexual. Your partner should feel safe to snuggle on the couch or just hug, hold hands, or give you a kiss ‘hello’ without the expectation that these physical gestures will lead to sex.

But intimacy and communication in a relationship can deteriorate when acts of love (non-sexual touch) and affection become misinterpreted as invitations for sex.

Here are some tips for building non-sexual intimacy:

• Practise small gestures of affection, without any expectation that it will lead to sex
• Communicate openly if you’re feeling confused or frustrated
• Respect each other’s boundaries. This builds trust and can help lead to a more fulfilling sexual connection

Relationships take work, but it is worth it. The most important ingredients in a successful long-term relationship are communication and mutual support.

If you're struggling, remember that seeking professional help is a sign of strength. By working together, you can build a happy and healthy relationship.