Desire Discrepancy
Desire Discrepancy results when one person in a couple wants to have sex more often than the other person.
A person who has a low sex drive will often experience desire discrepancy in their relationships. Desire Discrepancy can cause tension and resentment within the relationship, and it is vital that the couple seeks help from a therapist. Desire Discrepancy affects the whole relationship, not just the intimacy, and you and your partner will have to work hard to rebuild all these aspects.
Desire Discrepancy often leads to the Pursuer/Distancer Cycle forming within a relationship.
The Pursuer/Distancer Cycle
Dr Rosie King, a well-known Australian sexologist warns against the following:
When a couple experiences Desire Discrepancy, a vicious cycle begins.
The partner with the higher sex drive becomes the sexual pursuer. Pursuit may take the form of frequent initiation – in the hopes of ‘getting lucky’. The pursuer may complain about the lack of sex, sulk or initiate more frequent arguments in the relationship.
The partner with the lower sex drive becomes the sexual distancer. They try to avoid sexual contact. This partner may go to bed early, be reluctant to hug and kiss (in case it leads to sex) and they may refuse to undress in front of their partner.
Unfortunately, the behaviour of the distancer provokes the pursuer to chase even more.
The result of this cycle is that the couple begins to withdraw from each other emotionally and physically. The distancer becomes hyper-alert to contact and affection because they see it as a sexual invitation. They talk less and become less affectionate. The intimacy of the relationship decreases. Partners develop bad feelings towards each other and may even end up sleeping in separate beds.
The solution
If your relationship has reached the stage where communication has broken down, and the relationship is no longer fulfilling, loving and a positive influence on your life, you and your partner need the intervention of a relationship counsellor. To save your relationship, you need perspective, information and reassurance from an outside source.
A counsellor will have the tools, knowledge and understanding to help you repair your relationship.
Relationship counselling has proven to be extremely effective in rebuilding relationships affected by Desire Discrepancy.
As a relationship therapist and clinical sexologist, I have seen it all. And I truly believe that if a couple really wants to rekindle that spark, it IS possible. Even if they have faced challenging times or infidelity.
Continue ReadingRebuilding trust, passion, and intimacy in a relationship starts with honesty—both about who you are and what you want, including your expectations for your partner.
Continue ReadingNever enter a relationship hoping that you can change your partner – it will only lead to unhappiness for both of you. Rather wait patiently for someone who fits your ideal partner 'job description'.
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Sexology is a professional and specialised area of therapy which explores the many physical and emotional reasons for sexual difficulties.
Anyone who has experienced relationship or sexual difficulties for a long period of time would benefit from seeking professional counselling.
According to a recent study in the Journal of the American Medical Association, 3 out of 10 men, and 4 out of 10 women, experience sexual problems.