What to do when your libidos don’t match
In any long-term relationship, it's perfectly normal for you and your partner’s sexual desires to fall out of sync every now and then…
However, if this continues for many months or even years, it can cause a lot of friction in the relationship.
The difference between a couple’s levels of desire is known as desire discrepancy. In my practice, I have seen it lead to frustration, feelings of rejection, or even resentment if left unaddressed.
There are many different things that could contribute to desire discrepancy. And they are different for every relationship. Let’s find out more about what desire discrepancy is, how patterns like the pursuer-distancer cycle play a role, what factors affect libido, and most importantly, what you can do to address these challenges together.
What is desire discrepancy?
Desire discrepancy happens when one partner has a higher or lower level of sexual desire than the other.
One person might want sex more frequently, while the other isn’t always in the mood. If this sounds familiar, don’t worry - it’s a common issue that many couples face. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.
Sexual desire changes over time, and influenced by everything from stress and physical health to emotional well-being and the dynamics of the relationship. Many couples find that their levels of desire shift at different times.
The important thing is to acknowledge these differences, and stop them from creating emotional distance and impacting your relationship in a negative way.
The pursuer-distancer cycle
When couples experience a mismatch in desire, it can lead to something called the pursuer-distancer cycle.
In this pattern, the partner with higher desire (the pursuer) initiates intercourse more frequently, while the partner with lower desire (the distancer) might feel overwhelmed or pressured, so they withdraw physically and emotionally from the relationship.
This can be frustrating for both partners. The more the pursuer pushes for connection, the more the distancer retreats, and before long, they both feel disconnected.
Emotions also play a huge role in this cycle.
The pursuer might interpret the distancer’s withdrawal as rejection, feeling hurt or inadequate, while the distancer may feel their boundaries are being ignored. If this pattern continues, it can affect sexual intimacy as well as emotional connection in the relationship.
What affects a person’s libido?
There are many reasons why your or your partner’s libido may change over time, including:
- Stress and anxiety: Work pressure, financial worries, or tension in the relationship can significantly dampen sexual desire. When your mind is preoccupied, it’s hard to focus on or feel interested in intimacy.
- Physical health: Hormonal imbalances, chronic illness, or even medication can affect desire. For women, things like pregnancy, menopause, or their periods can play a role, while men could experience changes in libido due to aging or health conditions.
- Emotional connection: For many people (especially women), sexual desire is closely linked to emotional intimacy. If you’re feeling distant from your partner or dealing with unresolved conflict, it’s natural for your sexual desire to decrease.
- Body image: How you feel about your body can have a big impact on your sexual confidence. If one partner is feeling self-conscious or struggling with body image, they might avoid initiating sex as they don’t feel desirable.
- Routine and familiarity: Over time, sexual routines can become predictable and less exciting. This familiarity can sometimes lower the desire for one or both partners.
How to deal with desire discrepancy in your relationship
When you and your partner aren’t on the same page sexually, the key is to approach the situation with empathy, compassion and a willingness to work on the challenge together.
In my practice, I have developed a programme that is designed specifically to help couples deal with desire discrepancy and relight the spark in their relationship.
Here are some of the things you and your partner can do to help work through these differences and keep your connection strong.
1. Open and honest communication
The foundation of solving any relationship challenge, including desire discrepancy, is communication. Both partners need to feel safe expressing their feelings without fear of judgment. This means having open discussions about how often each of you wants to be intimate, what you enjoy during sex, and any concerns you might have.
When talking about sensitive topics like sex, try to avoid blaming or accusatory language. Instead of saying, “You never want to have sex,” frame it more gently, like “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected and would love to find more time for intimacy.” This kind of language encourages understanding rather than defensiveness.
2. Understand your partner’s perspective
It’s easy to assume that if your partner isn’t interested in sex, they don’t think you’re attractive. But in reality, there’s so much more going on. Understanding what might be impacting your partner’s desire - whether it’s stress, health issues, or emotional concerns - can help you respond with more compassion.
As a couple, take the time to explore any underlying factors that might be at play. Are there unresolved conflicts causing emotional distance? Could physical health or stress be a factor? By addressing the root cause, you’re more likely to find a solution together.
3. Create a non-judgmental space for expression
If you and your partner feel like you’re stuck in a rut, it is important to create a safe space where you both feel comfortable expressing your desires and even your fantasies.
This might involve trying something new in the bedroom. If you’re not ready for that yet, try going back to practicing non-sexual physical touch. Spend quality time together. Hold hands, kiss, enjoy the physical closeness of your partner without the pressure of having sex. The focus should be on reducing pressure in a non-judgemental space, and building emotional connection, which often naturally leads to more desire.
4. Redefine intimacy
As a couple, consider redefining your definition of intimacy. Physical closeness doesn’t always have to mean sex. Think about non-sexual ways to bond - like spending quality time together, having deep conversations, cuddling, giving each other massages, or spending more time being physically affectionate without sex.
Exploring different forms of intimacy, to incorporating more foreplay, can also make both partners feel more engaged.
5. Seek professional help
Finally, if you feel like you and your partner are struggling with desire discrepancy in your relationship and you’re unsure of how to address the issue, seek help from a relationship therapist or sexologist who can provide valuable insights.
Therapy offers a safe space to work through these issues and find strategies that work for both of you.
Desire discrepancy is a common issue in relationships, but it doesn’t have to become a source of ongoing conflict.
With open communication, empathy, and a willingness to try new approaches, couples can bridge the gap between differing desires and maintain a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
By working together, dealing with underlying issues, and seeking professional support when necessary, you can stay connected both emotionally and physically.