Top 6 traits to look for in a partner
As a relationship therapist and clinical sexologist, I often encourage my clients to write down a list of things that describe their ideal partner.
I see this like a type of ‘job description’ for a long-term relationship.
The list could say something like…
My partner must:
- Be kind to others
- Treat me with respect
- Manage finances wisely
- Listen attentively
We all have an idea of our ‘ideal partner’… but sometimes, we would rather have ‘somebody’ than ‘nobody’. So, when we start dating, the adrenalin and ‘butterflies’ may affect our judgement, and we might forget to check our lists to see whether our new partner fits the criteria or not.
However, those ‘little’ things that you choose to accept right now could be the ‘red flags’ you regret ignoring later.
For example, if you want your ideal partner to ‘be kind to others’, then you shouldn’t ignore it when they are rude to a waitress.
If you want your ideal partner to manage finances wisely, you shouldn’t pretend it’s ‘okay’ when they make a big purchase without discussing it with you first.
Never enter a relationship hoping that you can change your partner – it will only lead to unhappiness for both of you. Rather wait patiently for someone who fits your ideal partner 'job description'.
I’ve put together a list of the top things I look for in a partner. This is not a comprehensive list, but these characteristics are some of the most important ones that I’ve noted in my years as a relationship counsellor. Use them to inspire your own list, and add any additional traits that you think are important.
Top 6 qualities of an ideal partner:
1. Caring
When you are sick, or under huge pressure at work, you need someone who will take over your responsibilities for a while – whether it’s preparing meals, doing household chores, taking care of kids’ homework, or tucking you into bed with some Vitamin C and a hot water bottle.
They're the kind of person who will send you a message just to see how you're doing or remember small details about things you like and dislike. In a group, they’re the one who tries to make sure everyone feels included.
For me, caring is top of my list. I want my partner to bring me tea in bed, ensure that I take my meds, and allow me to “take things slow” until I recover. I do the same for him when he needs me.
2. Kind-hearted, compassionate
Caring and compassion are similar, but compassion includes caring about strangers and animals too. This is the kind of person who can walk into a room and immediately tell if someone's having a tough day, and they won't hesitate to ask if they can help out or just listen.
They genuinely care about others, and are always ready to help or listen. When you talk to them, it feels like they really get you - they’re not just waiting for their turn to speak.
Being an animal lover, I always notice how people speak about their pets, and how they treat their animals. This shows me how much compassion they have in them.
3. Reliable
Does your partner have your back? This is the kind of person who sticks to their promises… if they say they'll be somewhere or do something, you can count on them to show up. They're the type of person who brings stability and trust to a relationship, and make a great life partner.
I tell my clients to imagine going to war and turning around to see if the rest of the ‘army’ is behind you for back-up. You should be confident that your partner will be there no matter what.
Through ‘war’ and peace, a reliable partner will have your back.
4. Trustworthy
This is someone who knows right from wrong. It’s all about their value system. This is the kind of person you can share your deepest secrets with, knowing they'll keep them safe. You will never have to second-guess their motives for being with you. They will earn your trust through consistent honesty and integrity.
When you’re getting to know your partner, find out what they think is important in a relationship… also find out how their previous relationships ended. This will give you good insight into how much they value trust in a relationship.
5. Considerate
A considerate partner is one who values your opinion and will support you even if they don’t always agree with you. Someone who will do the things that they know are important to you, even if they don’t necessarily understand them.
For example, they might think that flowers are a waste of money, but they understand that buying flowers for you makes you feel loved, and so they do it in order to please you.
This is the kind of person who really thinks about how their actions affect others. They're mindful of other people's feelings and circumstances, always trying to make choices that are respectful and kind.
6. Forgiving
Someone who knows you well enough not to hold grudges against you for the things you say when you're hungry! Or when you forget to do something, or you hurt them in some way.
Instead of holding onto anger or resentment, they focus on understanding why things went wrong and how to improve the situation moving forward. This doesn’t mean they're pushovers; they learn from experiences and set boundaries as needed. But they believe in redemption and growth, rather than punishment and bitterness.
This is the kind of person that understands that we all make mistakes and none of us are perfect. And they love you even more because of your flaws.