The Role of Sex in Relationships
Remember, in order fully to enjoy the pleasures of sex, couples need to find out what “turns them on” and maximise these things within their relationship.
What role does sex play in the relationship?
For many couples, the state of their sex life is a good indication of the state of their relationship. When things are going well in the relationship, the sex is fantastic, but as soon as the relationship encounters difficulties, the sex does too. Sex can become the central point of conflict in a relationship, or it can be the cement that holds the relationship together.
Think about it, sex is the most intimate thing that you and your partner can ever do together. It is the one part of your relationship that only you and your partner share.
A relationship is like a house – there are many “bricks” that build the house (love, commitment, responsibility, trust, respect, honesty, and loyalty), but the cement (sex) is what keeps all the blocks together.
The state of your relationship is the biggest factor that affects the quality of your sex life. If you feel that you are in a loving, committed, supportive relationship, the sex should be great. However, there are several other factors that also affect this intimate relationship between you and your partner:
Your individual perceptions of sex:
Where did you first learn about sex? Did you first learn about sex from your parents, from a book, from friends, or from watching TV? How you discovered this intimate activity will certainly influence your perceptions.
I find that parents often skirt around the issue of sex with their children. It is something that “isn’t talked about”, and there is such an expectation about what sex is like that many people are actually disappointed when they find out that sex is not as glamorous as it is in the movies. Men become upset if women do not achieve multiple orgasms during her first time, and they wonder whether they are doing something wrong!
I tell them not to worry; “practice makes perfect.”
I have also encountered a number of couples who struggle with sex because they have a pre-conceived idea that it is “dirty” or “forbidden”. They feel as if they are committing a sin when they have sex.
Your perceptions of sex as a couple:
When you and your partner first came together, did you find that you had different ideas about how sex was going to be? And what you expected from each other?
Do you find that these differences are still a problem in your relationship?
The most important thing to do is to talk about it.
If you find it difficult to discuss this sort of thing with your partner, write each other letters, and then discuss the issues together. I often find that the way we communicate about sex with each other also causes misunderstandings in relationships. When I ask a couple about their communication, most couples will tell me that their communication is good. However, when I ask the couple if they can talk about sex, they are often not able to answer me.
When sex goes wrong in a relationship, it begins to eat away at all the other aspects of the relationship. It causes anxiety and stress between the couple until the issue is addressed.
Male and female perceptions of sex:
When it comes to our differences, sex is a big issue. Men and women differ in the way they perceive sex, the way they define its purpose, and how often they want to have it!
Men also do not understand that women cannot ‘make love and war’ at the same time.
For men, lovemaking is seen as peacemaking; and then they are taken by surprise when they realise that their partner is still angry with them!
For men, no sex means no love. However, most women can go without sex for a long time before they start feeling “unloved.”
At the beginning of a relationship, a couple usually do not realise how different their libidos are. It is a common misperception that men always have higher libidos than women and that men will always pursue sex more than women. This is not always the case.
In my practice, I have seen these expectations reversed. I have seen many women with higher libidos than their partners, and I have seen how it affects their self esteem when they are “rejected”. Women take the disinterest of their partners personally, and they think that there is something very wrong with them and the relationship. Sex drives are, however, unique to each individual, and if your partner has a higher or lower libido than you, it is not something that should be taken personally. There are many different strategies to dealing with these differences which can lead to a healthy, happy sex life for most couples. (See the chapter on Desire Discrepancy.)
In my practice, I try to change the perception that men are always the ones who pursue sex. It is really something that individuals pursue at different levels, whether they are male or female.
Sex is an extremely important aspect of a relationship. People choose to be sexually active for a variety of reasons, not only for the physical act of intercourse. Sex helps couples:
- to bond and create intimacy;
- to feel good about themselves;
- to relieve stress and anxiety;
- to communicate;
- to seek support from and refuge with their partner;
- to solve arguments;
- to show love for their partner;
- to reinforce their self esteem;
- to maintain harmony in the relationship;
- to share life’s trials and tribulations on a deep and emotional level;
- to procreate; and
- to add fun and spice to their relationship.
Couples often ask me what they can do to enhance desire. It is important to remember that desire is a very personal thing, and each individual can be “turned on” by something else. I encourage couples to talk to each other about what “turns them on” and to put these things into practice, even if they do not understand them.
For example, a woman might really be turned on when her partner washes the dishes or vacuums without being asked. A man might really be turned on when his partner gets a sexy new hair cut or wears a sexy top. People might not always understand why something turns on their partner, but it is worth exerting the effort to make your partner happy.
Remember, in order fully to enjoy the pleasures of sex, couples need to find out what “turns them on” and maximise these things within their relationship.