The keys to great sex: KEY 5 - Self Esteem

Over the past few months, I’ve been sharing some of the secrets to great sex in long-term relationships.

We’ve covered the importance of communication, relationship stability and communication, and how each partner demonstrates love towards the other. Today, we’ll look at how self-esteem can impact your sex life, and what you and your partner can do about it.

How do you feel about yourself? Do you have high or low self-esteem?

In my practice, I have often seen the destructive effect that low self-esteem has, particularly on women. So in this blog on the keys to great sex, I will focus mainly on women and how to address self-esteem issues in your relationship.

When a woman feels undesirable she will avoid almost any form of physical intimacy with her partner. This may lead to the pursuer-distancer cycle, and ultimately the complete breakdown of physical connection in the relationship.

Clear communication is one of the factors that needs to be addressed in the relationship. More often than not, the woman’s partner doesn’t have any issue with the things she is self-conscious about. At the same time, they also don’t know how deeply little comments can hurt.

Self-esteem is not just about how a woman feels about her weight. It’s about her general opinion of herself – from how she feels as an individual, how she feels as a partner, in her work environment, and in life overall. It’s about her mental and physical health, and her partner can either help builder her up or break her down. 

How to boost your sexiness and self-esteem in the bedroom

There are as many different body shapes in this world as there are people.

Every woman’s body is unique. We are all beautiful beings, and we need to learn to tune out the negativity and “love the skin we’re in.”

Learning to love your body boosts self-esteem, and a good self-image is a very attractive trait. It also gives you confidence in the bedroom, and allows you to fully express yourself without being afraid of being criticised. While confidence in your physical attributes is just one level of your overall self-esteem, it is something that women struggle with a lot. And it is one of the biggest contributors towards how they feel about physical intimacy with their partners.

Here are some exercises from “Love Skills” by Dr Linda De Villers (2002) which I use in therapy to help my patients boost their self-esteem:

• Collect pictures of people you find sexy who represent your particular body type, as well as your own heritage and ethnicity.
• Post these pictures in a place where you will see them regularly..
• Look at them every day so that you can start to identify similarities between them and yourself.
• As you drive to work, walk down the street or stand in lines, take notice of attractive people you see who share your body type. You will be surprised how many there are.
• Look at yourself in the mirror. Try to focus on the parts of your body or demeanour that are similar to theirs.

Discover your sexiest areas

Contrary to what the porn industry likes to portray, sexiness is not just about “boobs and booties”.

As women, we need to find out what our partners think are the sexiest areas of our bodies. Research has shown that women often rate their bodies very differently (and much lower) than their partners/lovers.

Some even find that the physical features they are least happy with are the ones that their partners find most attractive.

As Dr Linda De Villers advises in her book, ask your partner to tell you what they find most attractive about your body. “Read the list of responses every day at first, to remind yourself of your assets. Any time you begin to feel unattractive or unsure of your sexiness, mentally review all this positive feedback.”

Reach out for help

Self-esteem struggles can negatively affect your libido and your intimate relationships. Particularly when they impact your mental health too. Depression and anxiety can also impact every part of your life – from your home life to your work life and your overall wellbeing. The good news is that there are solutions to help you cope and to help you take back control.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional for help.