The keys to great sex: Key 3 – Understanding LOVE
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been exploring some of the secrets to great sex in long-term relationships.
We’ve looked at relationship stability and communication. Today we’ll find out how our idea of ‘love’ can contribute towards feeling secure and accepted in a relationship or not.
I’ve illustrated how two partners may misunderstand each other when it comes to demonstrating their love for each other in the fictional story below. Can you see yourself and your partner in this scenario?
Love languages
It’s important for you and your partner to figure out the things that make you feel loved, and what you can do for each other to ensure that you’re loving each other in an ‘effective’ way. There’s no point in showering your partner with gifts if all they really want is for you to do the dishes.
I would highly recommend the 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. You can also do a free quiz here to figure out what love languages you and your partner prioritise.
Each of you will find different value in the following 5 love languages. Recognise what makes your partner feel loved, and try to do more of those things for them. They should reciprocate with your preferred love language.
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Words of Affirmation
KEY 3: Greater understanding of how each partner perceives love
In the scenario below, I’ve detailed how conflict can arise if a couple doesn’t understand each others’ love language.
Santie and Willem have been married for about ten years. Both work for large companies, and are under a lot of pressure at work.
One day, Santie arrives home at 5pm in the afternoon after picking up the kids from day-care and stopping at the shops for some bread and milk. When she gets home, she helps the kids with their homework, does a bit of tidying up and washes the dishes. At the same time, she starts preparing dinner.
Willem arrives home at 7pm, as Santie is just about to finish preparing the meal. When he walks into the kitchen, Willem playfully pinches Santie on the bottom. Santie immediately gets annoyed. “I’m trying to get things done, and all he can think of is my bottom! And the possibility of sex.”
At the same time, Willem is hurt by her response to his playful gesture, and gets frustrated with Santie. It ends with an argument in front of the kids, and both Willem and Santie thinking that they are right.
Can you relate to this story?
It is a very common scenario, and I have heard versions of it many times in my practice.
The problem here is misunderstanding and miscommunication.
Santie was trying hard to get dinner ready – her act of love. When Willem touched her, she felt that all her effort was completely unappreciated, and all he saw her as was a sex object.
Willem arrived home, and saw that Santie was stressed, so he tried to “fix” the situation by playfully touching her. He felt that intimate contact would show his appreciation and love.
Can you see that just a little bit of understanding would have resolved the situation, instead of it leading to an argument?
Alternative actions – Let’s look at how the situation could have been different…
Santie could have turned round, kissed Willem on the cheek and said “Hello love, I’m busy right now, please could you help me by setting the table?”
Willem could also have refrained from touching Santie – if he knew it would bother her - and offered support. “Dinner smells delicious! Is there anything I can do to help right now?”
If Santi and Willem understood each others’ love languages better, they could communicate more appropriately. This takes a little bit of practise, but it really can help transform a relationship.
When two people are desperately trying to show their love for each other in the wrong way, it can become completely disheartening.
Knowing that your partner prefers words of affirmation over gifts will help you direct your love for them. And they can reciprocate in a way that really speaks to you.
Spend some time discussing your love languages with your partner. Do the free quiz and plan 5 ways that you will show your partner appreciation this week. Ask them for feedback at the end of the week to see if your actions made a difference to how they felt.
How does all of this relate to “the keys to great sex”?
If your partner feels loved and appreciated, it increases the feelings of intimacy in your relationship and your intimate encounters will be that much more passionate and genuine.