Relationship reality-check: Don’t do these 5 things
What exactly turns your partner off? What leads to communication issues, frustration, and a lack of trust and intimacy in a relationship?
In my practice, I encourage open communication from both partners. They need to be truthful about their wants and needs. My advice below is based on personal experience as well as insights I’ve gained through over 17 years as a relationship counsellor and clinical sexologist.
Rebuilding trust, passion, and intimacy in a relationship starts with honesty—both about who you are and what you want, including your expectations for your partner.
The advice below is for all of us who need a relationship reality-check from time to time.
1. Don’t assume you know what your partner wants
Men and women often communicate differently.
When it comes to dealing with challenges at work, or a difficult situation with a friend, women don’t necessarily want their partner to help find a solution. This is why women often feel frustrated when men offer solutions instead of just listening. I encourage my clients to ask their partners if they need help finding a solution or simply want someone to listen.
Women may stop sharing their feelings because men, who are typically inclined to offer advice or opinions, tend to act as fixers. I advise my clients, especially the men, to ask, "Are you venting, or would you like to know what I'm thinking?" This encourages proper communication.
For instance, when I have something on my mind, I start talking, and my husband will ask if I'm just venting or if I want his opinion. Remember, when you ask for someone's thoughts, you need to be emotionally prepared for the possibility of disagreement, which can sometimes feel like criticism.
2. Don’t multitask while they’re talking
Couples often talk past each other, which can cause a lot of frustration. We get frustrated when our partners don’t remember ‘critical conversations’ about when to pick the kids up from school or plans for the weekend. But most of the time, this is because we don’t fully engage with each other when these conversations are taking place.
Usually, this is because we are multitasking—cooking dinner, reading an email, scrolling through social media, or tidying up after the kids. And we respond with ‘yes, sure’, or ‘okay’ without actually absorbing the information or our response.
In general, I find that women are better at multitasking than men, but we are all guilty of ‘half listening’ at times.
I advise my clients to clearly communicate when they need their partner's full attention. You might say, "Is this a good time to talk?" This ensures you have their full attention. Remove distractions, make eye contact, and state your needs clearly.
For example, "I have a meeting at 2 PM tomorrow; I need you to pick up the kids and take them to their sports practice." To avoid misunderstandings, encourage your partner to restate what they heard. For instance, "Okay, you have a meeting at 2 PM, and you want me to pick up the kids." If they say, "You want me to pick up the kids," you can clarify, "No, I have a meeting, so I need you to pick them up."
3. Don’t dismiss their complaints—take action
If your partner has asked you to help them with something, or they are relying on you to perform a task, they probably need you to take action as soon as possible.
We don’t like to ‘nag’ our partners, but sometimes we feel like it’s the only way to get things done. Eventually, we may become so frustrated by our partner’s lack of action that we just do it ourselves. This leads to frustration, bitterness, arguments, and even a breakdown of trust. “If I can’t trust you to take out the garbage bags, what can I trust you with?”
The problem is usually as simple as misunderstanding how urgent the task is. You might want something done ‘now’ while your partner has planned to do it ‘later’.
This is why I advise couples to set specific deadlines when requesting help with tasks.
For example, say, "Please take the garbage out in the next 10 minutes." This sets clear expectations and avoids the need for 'nagging'. Alternatively, you could ask, "Can you tell me when you'll take the garbage out?" This way, they can provide a specific time frame for everyone’s clarity and understanding.
4. Don’t forget to compliment them
In the beginning, when we’re dating, we make an effort to get to know our partners as intimately as possible, and we try our best to make them feel good about themselves. We notice all the ‘little’ things like a new haircut or a new outfit. And we are generous with compliments… “You look so good”, “You smell gorgeous”, “Dinner was delicious”.
One of the most common issues that I see in my practice is that in long-term relationships, men and women often forget to continue to compliment their partners. They just assume that after such a long time, their partner should know how they feel.
But the truth is that small gestures and compliments will always be deeply appreciated. Regularly expressing your love and admiration for your partner keeps the relationship strong.
5. Don’t forget to rekindle the ‘spark’
There are many things that can affect the ‘spark’ in a relationship including stress, lack of time together, a breakdown in communication, and lack of trust and intimacy. When couples come to me for counselling, we thoroughly examine these issues and find solutions that empower and support both partners. Therapy helps couples learn how to rekindle the spark in their relationships and get back to a place of true intimacy.
If you and your partner are struggling with intimacy in your relationship, it’s important to seek help from a professional relationship counsellor to help you work through the challenges together.
Everyone needs a relationship reality-check every now and then. We all need to make sure we are treating our partners with the respect and love they deserve. Addressing the 5 points above with understanding and care can help build a stronger, more fulfilling partnership.