Ladies: Is the man in your head the man in your bed?
Once upon a time… we were little girls with big dreams. We wanted to be doctors, teachers, engineers, news presenters – anything that caught our imagination.
Remember dressing up in your mother’s clothes? Stepping into her high heels and holding her handbag made you feel so grown up!
Remember reading fairy tales? Where the beautiful young girl was always rescued from danger by her prince charming and they rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after…
And then we grew up a little bit…
And we realised for the first time that maybe fairy tales weren’t telling the whole truth!
Remember your first kiss? Mine definitely wasn’t from prince charming! And it ended in tears rather than a sunset!
And then we grew up a little bit more…
Remember your first serious relationship? It was “love at first sight”, and then you “fell out of love” two months later and nursed a broken heart.
And then we grew up a little bit more, and a little bit more…
And we realised that life isn’t a fairy tale, and nobody’s going to carry us off into the sunset on a white horse and leave all our worries behind. I’m pretty sure that Cinderella’s prince left the toilet seat up and that Sleeping Beauty’s prince had really bad morning breath.
So now what?
You need to figure out if “The man in your head is the man in your bed…”
Are they compatible with each other and does the man in your bed live up to your expectations? And are your expectations realistic?
What influences our choice of partner?
Why do we look at rock stars, movie stars, and sports stars as the kind of men we’d like to have in our beds? Is it the money? The fame? The good looks?
In my experience as a relationship counsellor and clinical sexologist there are a number of things that influence the types of people we tend to gravitate towards:
Previous experience
Have you ever heard the expression “rather the devil you know…”? Some women fall into the trap of bad relationships because that’s what they’ve experienced in the past. They feel that it’s better to deal with something that they’ve been through before than to try something unpredictable. That’s why abused women often go back to their abuser.
Parental/other role models
The first relationship you ever see is the one between your father and your mother. Whether it’s a good or bad relationship, it will be your first exposure to how couples deal with each other. If you grow up in a loving, peaceful home then that most likely what you will expect from your own relationships. If you grow up in a home where your folks are always arguing or divorced, then that is probably what you will expect from your own relationships.
Lifestyle
Some women choose partners based on their lifestyle. They enjoy being wealthy, wearing designer labels and socialising with the “rich and famous,” and they will look for a partner that can support this lifestyle. Unfortunately for these women, superficial relationships don’t often last.
Religion
Certain religions only allow you to choose partners that are of the same religion. Pressure from family members and the religious community may force some women into relationships which they wouldn’t necessarily have chosen for themselves.
Self esteem/personality
How you feel about yourself often predicts how you allow people to treat you. Women who have very low self esteems often believe that they don’t deserve to be loved, and therefore end up in abusive relationships. If you have a high self esteem and a high self-worth you will look for a relationship that grows you as a person instead of breaking you down.
Emotions
Emotions are a powerful thing. Although they are unmeasurable, emotions have a powerful impact on relationships. Women often say “he makes me happy,” or “I’m so in love with him” but they forget that emotions are also affected by so many other things in life. If you’re stressed at work, your emotions will be affected. If you’re worried about something, your emotions will be affected. And these emotions will also affect your relationship. People often allow their emotions to take over from common sense. They allow their feelings to predict the outcome of their relationship without putting the entire situation in context.
Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash
True LOVE requires some effort
Once the “man in your head” and the “man in your bed” are compatible and you decide to settle down together, that is where the hard work begins. Yes, you may have found a guy who loves you with all of his heart, but he will always have some little quirks and annoying habits. Sometimes he’s going to misunderstand you and sometimes he’s going to hurt your feelings. Sometimes you’re going to argue and sometimes you’re going to wish he lived on a different continent.
But MOST of the time you will be happy. Falling in love takes very little effort. Maintaining the love is what counts. The guys that are worth keeping are the ones that realise they’ve made a mistake and put all of their effort into ‘fixing it’.
Remember to treat yourself like you want him to treat you
Think back to your childhood, when you wore your mother’s high heels and her handbag.
Remember how confident of love you were then? Hold onto that hope and those dreams until you find the man in your head who is worthy to be the man in your bed.