Is an emotional affair the same as a physical affair?

The impact of an emotional affair is just as damaging as the impact of a physical affair.

An emotional affair is when a person shares intimate and personal information about themselves with someone else who is not their partner. This includes regular contact through in-person conversations, as well as social media chats, WhatsApps and phone calls.

In the beginning, it might all look very innocent. But as the partner of the person who is having an emotional affair, you might start to see some red flags. They might say that they are ‘just friends’ but your intuition will tell you that something is wrong. They might talk about the other person very often, or they might start hiding their phone away, or go to another room when that person calls them… trust your gut.

Why do emotional affairs happen?

Emotional affairs happen when there’s a breakdown of communication and connection in a relationship. When couples stop sharing information with each other. And it doesn’t have to be about deep conversations, when you stop talking about daily household duties, as well as deeper feelings, then there’s a broken connection in your relationship.

When couples just share the most basic information with each other, and selectively share everything else, this should be a red flag. It means that you both don’t feel safe about sharing information with each other, or you think that your partner just isn’t interested in what you’ve got to say.

Either way, it can lead to people looking outside of their relationship to be ‘heard’.

But is it really as ‘bad’ as a physical affair?

Yes, the impact on the relationship is just as devastating.

Sometimes the unfaithful partner feels like they can try to justify the emotional affair by saying “at least I didn’t have sex with the other person.” But this just minimises their partner’s emotions.

The betrayed partner will experience all of the same emotions as they would have if the affair had been physical. They will go through a roller coaster of ups and downs and all of the phases of loss including shock, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. They might experience all of these in one day, and things might be ‘okay’ the next day until something triggers yet another roller coaster of emotions. Triggers could include seeing their partner on the phone, or some reminder of ‘the other person’ that causes an overwhelming sense of anger or sadness and loss.

This can go on for up to 18 months or longer, especially if couples don’t seek counselling from a professional relationship counsellor. A counsellor will help both partners in the relationship to work through why the affair happened in the first place, and will help the couple work towards healing.

If you are dealing with an affair, please watch these two YouTube clips together so that you can understand each other’s emotions and begin the journey of healing.

You can also book an appointment with me here.

Infidelity Trauma: Interview with a Specialist Part 1

Infidelity Trauma: Interview with a Specialist Part 2