Infidelity: The end? Or an opportunity for a new start?

While I believe that relationships can be repaired following infidelity, it does require time and dedication from both partners.

Building up trust, and learning the true meaning of love in a long-term relationship can take weeks, months, or even years. But it IS possible and I have seen many success stories in my years as a relationship counsellor and clinical sexologist.

Each individual needs to rebuild themselves

Even if a couple wants to divorce after an affair, it is still extremely important that they work through the emotional and psychological effects individually. Each partner needs to leave the relationship as ‘whole’ as possible. Carrying baggage and anger and resentment out of the relationship will influence all of their future relationships.

Psychological devastation

Not only does an affair have a devastating effect on a marriage, but it also affects the emotional, physical and psychological health of everyone involved. Affairs bring out emotions like anger, denial, grief, resentment and lead to a loss of self-esteem. If you have been the victim or instigator of an affair, remember, you are not alone.

There are always two sides to the story, and a lot of emotional baggage to deal with after an affair.

Seek help

Working through infidelity in a relationship is not something that should be done by the couple alone. It requires an outside professional to guide them through the reasons behind the affair, repairing the relationship, and helping the individuals deal with the fallout effectively.

Couples seeking to rebuild their relationship should consult a professional relationship counsellor. It is vital to have an impartial, clear-headed person around when working through emotionally-charged issues.

Who's to blame for an affair?

If you are the victim of an affair, it is important for you to know that the affair is NOT your fault!

There is never ONE cause of an affair. There are usually hundreds of little “reasons” that people add up and use to justify having an affair, but the blame can never be laid completely on either partner in a relationship.

An affair can also never be blamed solely on the third party involved.

In order to heal after an affair, it is important to identify the underlying “causes” of the affair, and work through them to ensure they are not repeated in the future.

Reasons for an affair

Each relationship has its own unique characteristics and therefore each affair will also have its own unique causes. There’s no ‘one’ reason for infidelity. Many little things add up over time. This is why good communication is SO important in relationships.

Emily M. Brown, LCSW, Director of Key Bridge Therapy and Mediation Center, has listed some of the possible reasons for extramarital affairs: conflict avoidance, intimacy avoidance, sexual addiction and low self-esteem.

Affairs can also happen when a couple experiences a major change in the relationship.

Becoming parents, extreme work pressure and moving are some of the changes that can lead to a person feeling insecure and unfulfilled in their relationship. They will then seek security and intimacy from somewhere else.

Lack of affection between partners, sexual addiction and feelings of sexual entitlement based on gender or status are symptoms of an unhealthy marriage, and are often given as “reasons” for an affair.

Counselling options

As a relationship counsellor, I (Leandie Buys) have helped hundreds of couples work through infidelity over the years. My goal is to ensure that each individual finds healing, whether or not they stay together. I believe that relationships CAN be repaired, provided that each partner is invested in the process.

If you need help in dealing with infidelity in your relationship, please contact me on info@leandiebuys.co.za.