Infidelity: How to rebuild the relationship & learn to trust again
There’s no denying that an affair can have a devastating effect on a relationship. Not only is trust broken, but respect and loyalty are also victims.
While infidelity is not always the end of a relationship, it is always the beginning of something new.
It can be the start of a new, more fulfilling relationship for the couple, or they can part ways and start their new lives as individuals. Whichever path they take, I believe it’s extremely important to take the next steps with the help of a professional.
As a relationship counsellor, I have seen it all. I understand the ups and downs you’ll go through, and I understand the pain, rejection, frustration, and anger that individuals feel. Dealing with an affair is the same as dealing with a traumatic experience in your life. It’s about coming to terms with the loss of the relationship you once had, and healing from the pain that the loss caused.
Your emotions will fluctuate daily. It will feel like a roller coaster ride. You’ll be sad and angry on one day, and then you’ll feel like you’ve reached a point of acceptance, only to be devastated again the next day. These emotions are NORMAL. Both partners have to go through this in order to get to a point of healing.
It’s not easy to rebuild a relationship after the devastation of an affair. But it IS possible.
Rebuilding the trust
Trusting each other is critical to a successful, long lasting relationship. But trust can’t be rebuilt overnight. In fact, it is a long, long road that both individuals have to walk.
For the person who had the affair, it is important that you accommodate your partner as much as possible. Sometimes their requests might seem like ‘too much’, but if you are truly committed to rebuilding your relationship, you need to help your partner learn to trust again. It’s all about accumulating evidence over time, and consistent, trustworthy behaviour.
I normally suggest that the unfaithful partner goes for an STI test as the very first step towards proving their willingness to repair the relationship. This shows that they are willing to take responsibility for their health and their partner’s.
Here are 3 key ways the unfaithful partner can help the betrayed partner rebuild trust in the relationship:
1. Be transparent and consistent
Your phone will probably be one of the biggest anxiety triggers for the betrayed partner. To help ease their suspicions, make sure that you leave your phone where your partner can see it. Don’t hide in the bathroom with your phone, or walk out of the room when it starts ringing, or when you get a message. Be transparent. Say out loud “Peter just messaged me.” Or, “it’s my sister on the phone, she wants to chat.” Allow your partner to see the name that pops up on the screen.
Don’t be surprised if your partner is “snoopervising” your phone when you’re not looking. While the betrayal and the hurt is still raw, they might go through your phone and check your messages and your calls. Give them the pin to unlock your phone, and allow them to check it whenever they want to. Ease their guilt about not trusting you by making the first move to show you’re not hiding anything. You can even take responsibility by saying “I want to show you the list of who called me and messaged me today.” This way, they don’t have to ask. This goes a long way towards demonstrating trustworthy behaviour.
Some couples even instal a tracker on their partner’s phone or in their car. This allows the betrayed partner to check up on their spouse to see where they are. As the unfaithful partner, you should not feel offended by this, or that your ‘freedom’ is being restricted. When the betrayal is still very raw, this might be the only thing that your partner can think of that will help them start to trust you again. If you say you’re going to the shops, and they can check that you’re actually there, then it will help put their mind at ease.
I normally allow my patients to track each other for about 3 months while they deal with the initial crisis. As the unfaithful partner shows consistent, trustworthy behaviour, the betrayed partner will feel less inclined to check the tracker regularly.
2. Establish rules regarding the “other person”
No matter how the affair was uncovered, or who ended it, the betrayed partner will want you to take a stand for your relationship.
It’s important that you speak ‘the other person’, and make it very clear that you are choosing your spouse, and that the affair is over. They need to hear it from your own mouth, and they need to understand that it’s your choice, and you’re not being manipulated by the betrayed partner.
If you ever bump into ‘the other person’, or have to communicate with them for some reason, you MUST tell your partner. If there’s no significant reason to be in contact, then block their number on your phone, and block them from all of your social media channels so that you are as distant from them as you can be. Put up as many barriers as possible so that you can fully focus on rebuilding your relationship.
3. Have patience!
Your betrayed partner is going to ask a thousand questions. Sometimes they’ll ask the same questions over and over again and they will pull your answers apart to try to make sense of what happened. Be patient with them. It’s their right to know what happened, how it happened, and to hear the details that they want to hear. Be careful of getting frustrated, and shouting ‘can we not just move on!’… the answers is ‘no’. You cannot ‘just move on’ from betrayal. It’s a journey.
Some partners want to hear all of the details about the affair. While some will just want to know the more general information.
When it comes to how much you share with your partner, I always advise that you share what your partner asks you to share. Be honest, but don’t be hurtful.
For example, they might ask about whether you had sex, where it happened, how it happened, and whether or not the ‘other person’ was ‘better in bed’. Be gentle in how you answer these questions. Include enough information to make sure your partner isn’t confused about what transpired, but don’t include hurtful details of the intimate encounters that could further traumatise them. Everything you tell your partner creates a picture in their head, and they can fixate on these ‘movies’ that stop them from finding healing.
If your partner doesn’t ask about the details, don’t share them! They will guide you on what they are comfortable hearing.
Help your partner connect all the dots that they need to. Your partner will try to figure out all of the times that you lied, and all the opportunities you had to meet with your affair partner. They will ‘replay’ so many conversations and scenarios in their head. Answer any questions they have as kindly and as honestly as possible.
There is hope
An affair is a very traumatic event in any relationship. The most important thing you and your partner can do from now on is be open and honest about everything. This might hurt now, but it’s the only way to build up trust again.
As a relationship counsellor, I’ve helped hundreds of couples who have been affected by infidelity. My aim is to help you heal – as an individual and as a couple (if you choose to stay together). This is not a journey that you can go on alone. It’s important to have the help of an experienced professional to guide you through the crisis. Please reach out to me if you’re dealing with the trauma of infidelity in your relationship.