Dealing with infidelity: From warning signs to healing

Image by Hello Cdd20 from Pixabay

Dealing with infidelity: From warning signs to healing

As a relationship therapist and clinical sexologist with almost 20 years of experience, I've walked alongside hundreds of couples through the devastating discovery of infidelity.

Whether it's an emotional or physical affair, the impact is profound and life-altering.

But here's what I want you to know: an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship.

Recognising the warning signs

Often, our intuition tells us something is wrong long before we have proof. I often hear clients say, "I had a feeling that something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it."

And most of the time, we like to ignore those feelings instead of confronting a difficult situation. This is normal. But the affair will eventually be exposed one way or another. When my clients look back, they can see the ‘warning signs’ more clearly.

These are some of the most common signs that there is something going on in your relationship. While it may not have gone as far an affair, these warning signs could help you identify relationship challenges as early as possible.

The most common warning signs include:

Emotional distance:

Your partner becomes physically present but emotionally unavailable. Conversations become superficial, focusing only on logistics like work or kids. They stop sharing their feelings, dreams, or asking about yours.

Secretive behaviour:

Suddenly, their phone is always face-down, they step outside to take calls, or they've changed passwords you once knew. They become protective of their devices in ways they never were before.

Appearance changes:

Unexpected attention to fitness, new clothes, or different grooming habits – especially when combined with other suspicious behaviours.

Increased irritability:

Things that never bothered them before suddenly become major issues. They may pick fights as an excuse to leave the house or create emotional distance.

A specific name mentioned frequently:

You might hear about their "new friend" more often, usually followed by reassurances that "we're just friends."

"Crazy-making" behaviour:

When you voice concerns, they make you feel paranoid or question your own sanity. This gaslighting is particularly damaging to your self-esteem.

The emotional devastation of infidelity

When an affair is confirmed, the emotional impact is like a tsunami. I've seen clients describe it as their world being "shredded into millions of pieces." The physical pain is real – that heartache in your chest that feels unbearable.

You may experience:

• Shock and disbelief
• Anger and rage
• Deep sadness and grief
• Physical symptoms: loss of appetite, insomnia, panic attacks
• Loss of self-esteem and self-worth
• Questioning your values and beliefs

This emotional rollercoaster can last 18 months or longer without professional help. You might cycle through all these emotions in a single day, then wake up feeling okay, only to be triggered again by something small – seeing their phone, a song on the radio, or a memory.

It's crucial to understand: the affair is NOT your fault. There's never just one cause of an affair.

People have affairs for complex reasons – conflict avoidance, intimacy issues, major life changes, feelings of neglect, emotional detachment when couples stop sharing feelings, or sometimes deeper issues like sex addiction. But regardless of what led to it, the choice to betray was theirs alone.

Understanding why affairs happen

Each affair has its unique causes, but common factors include:

Communication breakdown:

When couples stop sharing – not just deep conversations, but daily life details – emotional distance grows. Partners may seek that connection elsewhere.

Major life changes:

Becoming parents, work pressure, death of a lovedone, moving, or other significant transitions can leave people feeling insecure or unfulfilled.

Unmet emotional needs:

When affection, appreciation, or intimacy decreases in a relationship, vulnerability to outside attention increases.

Personal issues: Low self-esteem, insecurity/feeling unsafe in the relationship, past trauma, or addictive behaviours can drive people toward affairs as unhealthy coping mechanisms. Remember, affairs are symptoms of underlying relationship issues, not the cause of problems.

The path to healing

If you’ve just discovered that your partner has been unfaithful, healing may seem like a mountain that’s too big to climb right now. But let me assure you, healing from infidelity is possible.

However, it does require commitment from both partners and usually professional guidance. I’ve helped hundreds of couples walk this road. Here's what the journey usually involves:

Immediate steps

1. Seek professional help immediately. Don't try to navigate this alone. A relationship therapist provides the neutral, safe space needed to process this trauma effectively.
2. Get health screenings. If the affair was physical, both partners should be tested for sexually transmitted infections.
3. Decide who to tell carefully. While you need support, be mindful of sharing details that can't be taken back, especially with children.

The long-term healing process

Complete transparency:

The unfaithful partner must be willing to answer questions honestly and provide full disclosure. This might mean sharing passwords, schedules, and being patient with repeated questions.  I do suggest that this can only happen with a therapist trained to help with disclosure.

Process the trauma:

The betrayed partner needs time and space to work through the emotional devastation. This includes understanding that healing isn't linear – good days and bad days are normal.

Address underlying issues:

Both partners must examine what led to the breakdown in the relationship. This doesn't mean the betrayed partner shares blame for the affair, but rather that both commit to creating a stronger foundation.

Rebuild intimacy gradually:

Physical and emotional intimacy needs to be rebuilt slowly and safely. I often work with couples through structured programs that help them reconnect step by step.

Practice patience:

Rebuilding trust takes time. The unfaithful partner may need to provide reassurance twenty times a day – this is part of the process, not punishment.

Hope for the future

I've witnessed remarkable transformations in my practice. Couples who've worked through infidelity often report that their relationship becomes stronger, deeper, and more honest than it ever was before. They develop better communication skills, deeper emotional intimacy, and genuine appreciation for each other.

The key ingredients for successful healing are:

• Both partners genuinely wanting to rebuild
• Commitment to complete honesty
• Professional guidance
• Patience with the process
• Willingness to do the hard work of addressing underlying issues

Moving Forward

Whether you're currently dealing with suspicious behaviour, have recently discovered an affair, or are somewhere in the healing process, remember this: you're not alone, and there is hope. The journey is difficult, but with the right support and commitment, it's possible to not just survive infidelity, but to build something even stronger from the ashes.

Recovery takes time, but it is absolutely possible. I've seen it happen hundreds of times, and I believe it can happen for you too.

 If you're dealing with infidelity in your relationship, don't hesitate to reach out for professional help. As a certified relationship/marriage therapist, clinical sexologist as well as certified sex addiction therapist, I'm here to guide you through this challenging journey toward healing and renewed connection.

Book an appointment here.