Dealing with a Child Who is Confused About Their Sexual Orientation

Finding out that their child is gay, lesbian or bisexual is generally a very emotional experience for parents. There are so many questions and so many feelings. One of the best ways to deal with the news is for parents to educate themselves about what it means to have an alternative sexual orientation, starting with the most basic definitions:

• “Heterosexual” – a person sexually attracted to other of the opposite sex
• “Homosexual” – a person sexually attracted to others of the same sex
• “Gay” –a male who is homosexual
• “Lesbian” – a female who is homosexual
• “Bisexual” – a person attracted to both sexes.

Are they definitely gay or just confused?

Chances are that this is the question which has been going round and round in the child’s head. By the time they work up the courage to tell their parents, they tend to know for certain. It is very difficult to come out to parents so the child has obviously worked through this issue and realized that it is part of them that they cannot change.

Is it my fault?

Many parents feel that they must have done something wrong to ‘make’ their child gay. This is not true; research shows that being gay is biological and not due to upbringing. Rather than feeling guilty, parents should focus on showing their child lots of love and support.

Why are they doing this to us?

This is an issue for some parents; they feel that their child is choosing to be gay or lesbian on purpose to punish them. Nothing could be further from the truth. While some kids might experiment and be rebellious, most people do not choose to be homosexual. It is hard enough to be a teenager, without being gay as well.

Should we tell our friends and family?

First of all, it is not fair for parents to tell anyone about their child’s sexual orientation without their permission. Even though it does affect them, ultimately it is their child’s life. If their child agrees to come out to others, parents can help them by only confiding in people they can trust and only when they are feeling okay about the situation themselves. If they start telling people while they are still feeling defensive, they will probably give off the message that they are unhappy about their child’s news.

At the end of the day, parents need to remember that their child is still the same person they were before they came out. In fact, when parents are aware of their child’s sexual orientation, their relationship can be closer than ever as they are no longer holding back part of themselves. The most important thing parents can do is to show their child that they love them unconditionally.