Building sexual self-confidence - #WomensMonth
“I have no sexual confidence. I’ve been married for a number of years and if my husband doesn’t make a move, then there's just no sex. What can I do?” - Anonymous
Long term relationships require effort and maintenance. It's easy to get stuck in a rut, and to neglect the passion. Many couples are frustrated by the lack of sexual intimacy in their relationships. Since it's Women's Month I will be focussing on this from the woman's point of view.
Many women don't feel empowered or confident enough to initiate intimacy in their relationships. If this is something that you experience in your relationship, I want to assure you that you are not alone.
There are many women who feel shy about sex and there are many reasons for this. As young girls, we are told not to touch ourselves - that it is dirty. We are taught that “nice girls don’t let boys do those sorts of things to them”.
Society tells us that to be considered a lady, we shouldn’t like sex too much, and that do so would make us “easy”. But then we enter a committed relationship, and sex plays a very important role.
How do you start building sexual self-confidence in your relationship?
If you want to initiate sex more, but are unsure how to go about it, one way is to work out a code that will communicate to your partner that you are in the mood without you having to actually ask.
In the beginning, this may involve a slightly ‘awkward’ conversation to decide on the code, but unless your partner can read your mind, there is no other way! Perhaps the signal might be to leave a chocolate on their pillow, or serve a special dessert, or wear 'that' outfit...
Body issues are also a factor
Many women struggle with body image issues which affect their perception of their entire body, and how they feel others, especially their intimate partners, see them.
Let me assure you, very few women are 100% happy with their body – even supermodels.
Regardless of how we look, it’s common to feel uneasy, anxious, awkward, or vulnerable when we’re fully undressed in front of our partners.
We can be overly critical when it comes to our bodies and how we believe others see us, but research shows that as a rule, men don’t usually see our flaws the way we do. And, as you probably already realise, the way we think about ourselves can tie us down and unfairly prevent us from expressing our true desires.
Does your partner expect you to look like a supermodel?
Chances are they don't! Your partner may even have similar concerns about their own body. Why not have a heart-to-heart and discover what both of you find attractive in each other.
Start with baby steps - burn a candle in the room when you initiate sex for softer, more romantic, more flattering light until you feel more confident. Then, if you wish, move slowly to having the lights on.
Talk to each other while having sex and let your partner know when you feel uncomfortable. Building confidence takes baby steps. Don't expect too much of yourself all at once.
If you are struggling with overwhelming negative thoughts about your body, I would recommend seeking professional help to build your self-esteem and to gain self-confidence both in the bedroom and out of it.
I offer tele-therapy/online counselling. Please get in touch to find out more: info@leandiebuys.co.za.
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