4 Secrets to a successful relationship (and why relationships are SUCH hard work!)
Have you ever considered how much hard work actually goes into a successful, long-lasting relationship? But should relationships really involve so much effort? Can’t they just be easy?! Wouldn’t that be great?
Unfortunately, as with everything in life, we have to work hard to build what we want in a relationship. Falling in love is easy, but maintaining the love and growing together takes lots of effort. But the result is always worth it.
Think about it. When you put in lots of effort at the gym, it’s not ‘easy’. You sweat, you work your muscles, you have to say ‘no’ to unhealthy food, and you have to stay disciplined. But in the end, the results speak for themselves.
The same goes for your career. You put in lots of hard work and effort, and you spend many hours learning new skills, and climbing the ladder to the place you really want to be. Don’t you feel proud of your achievements?
Do you put in the same effort with your relationship?
If not, how can you possibly expect it to be everything you want it to be if you don’t put in the work?
Relationships are actually one of the hardest things to maintain in life. Two people with their own personalities and goals and baggage trying to build something solid together.
As a relationship counsellor, I’ve helped thousands of couples work through their differences, and build a solid foundation for a successful relationship. But the first thing they need to do is understand WHY relationships are ‘hard work’ in the first place:
1. You have to acknowledge each other’s differences
We are all so different! Not just in how we communicate but also how we perceive love and sex. And because we are so different, this can cause so many misunderstandings and conflict in a relationship.
2. You have to consider each other
If you’ve been a single and independent for a while, it’s sometimes very difficult to change your thoughts and behaviour to fit into a relationship.
It is no longer just about “me” and “I”. You have to consider “us”. You can’t just accept or decline an invitation without consulting your partner. You can’t just jump into your car on a weekend and head off for an adventure – you have to bring your partner, or at least tell them where you’re going!
You have to consider your partner’s preferences when it comes to food, TV, sleeping arrangements, and finances. The list goes on. It takes a bit of time and effort and lots of communication to figure out your new ‘normal’ when it comes to being part of a couple.
3. You have to remember the basics
When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, the ‘basics’ can get lost. And eventually couples feel like they’re just ‘roommates’ instead of intimate partners. Remember when you first started dating? How you used to communicate as often as possible? When you romanced each other, and acknowledged everything you did for each other. When was the last time you said “thank you for the delicious dinner”? When was the last time you thanked your partner for their contribution to the relationship, whatever it is. When last did you leave a little love note for your partner, or surprise them with a small gift? If you feel like your relationship is stagnating or hitting a rocky patch, always start by going back to basics…
4. You have to consider your relationship in your schedule
Did you think that everything would just continue being ‘spontaneous’ like when you were dating?
Spontaneity wears off, and we can so easily fall into a rut. Date night won’t happen on a whim, and for busy couples, neither will sex! You have to add your relationship to your schedule, and PLAN your romantic evenings. Along with your chores and your other responsibilities, you need to add relationship goals to your diary otherwise “life” will just run away with you. This leads to couples feeling neglected, and unrecognised in their relationship, and the breakdown of intimacy.
5. You have to set boundaries
If you want to safeguard your relationship you have to set boundaries with your partner. Every relationship has its own set of boundaries for various situations and circumstances. You can set your own.
For example, what are the boundaries when it comes to interacting with a member of the opposite sex on social media? What are the boundaries when it comes to meeting up with a friend after work (without your partner). What are the boundaries within your intimate relationship? What are the boundaries with regards to the time that you both spend on your individual hobbies?… etc.
Without boundaries, relationships can quickly become unstable with both partners feeling insecure and unheard.
So now you know why relationships can be so difficult. What can you do to help build a successful relationship?
4 Secrets to a successful relationship
I tell the couples that I counsel that having a successful relationship is about learning these 4 secret skills:
- The skill to communicate effectively
- The skill to handle conflict effectively
- The skill to have sex
- The skill to have a relationship
These aren’t skills that are taught at school, or in a quick online course. It’s something that you and your partner work on together. You’re both responsible for learning these skills, and applying them in your own relationship.
If you want to learn more about these skills for a successful relationship, and how you and your partner can use them to rebuild the intimacy between you, please contact me. Relationship counselling is not just for couples in crisis. It’s also for those who want to strengthen their relationships, and those who want to build a solid foundation that will keep their relationship healthy in the future.